Holiday Zippers
'Tis the season for holiday parties. While I love being around loved ones and spreading cheer, I particularly enjoy shopping for unique outfits to wear to those holiday gatherings. This year I scored on an awesome black dress with just enough of a unique touch for me to be super excited about wearing it (and it was on sale-shout out to New York and Company)! The day of my first party arrived and I wanted to jump into my dress and go, but, there was one small detail that I missed when I ordered it online: the dress has a zipper in the back. While I am fairly tall with long arms, I am not a contortionist unfortunately and when I realized this, I immediately felt a dark cloud raining on my parade.
Let me preface this by saying, I typically am more interested in internal matters rather than the external. My initial feeling of reference was a sense of shame that I was upset about not being able to zip up my new dress. However, I have learned both from my life and hearing other people’s stories that most often, like the dress, we have what I like to call the “situation costume” that covers up the actual problem.
Sometimes, noticing the costume and being curious about it can help us uncover what deeper concerns we may have in a moment. One of my greatest joys as a social worker is helping others uncover the hidden concern so that they can feel better, so I decided to do that for myself.
When I allowed myself to sit and feel, I noticed that the shame began to dissipate a bit. I asked myself, “what does this zipper represent to me?” As I asked myself this question, I was surprised by my response. To me, the inability to zip up the dress represented a bit of inadequacy. It triggered the reminder of societal expectations that I should have a significant other by my side and since I did not at the moment, then I should not wear that dress and even may not deserve to enjoy the party. At this point, I decided to stand up for myself-who said that I had to have someone zip up my dress? How does not having a significant other translate into a consequence of not having the opportunity to enjoy the holiday event? When I couldn’t answer those questions, I knew that it was time for me to redefine what the holidays mean to me.
Whether or not you have experienced a similar dress drama, perhaps you can relate to feeling inadequate in some way. Perhaps you would like someone to help straighten your tie, or even be invited to a holiday event. It is normal to want to feel loved and it can be difficult to manage those expectations of the way our lives should be when compared to the ways our lives are today. We all, at some point, need to have “real talk” with ourselves. Yes, I am single. Yes, at times I feel lonely. I have learned though, that “real talk” does not have to be critical and it certainly does not have to be something that punishes me for my situation. Real talk can be me being a friend to myself, acknowledging what is a reality, but knowing that things can change and that there is still an opportunity for cheer even if I don’t see it in the moment.
I have a holiday challenge for you. Think about your “zipper” moment. What happened? How did you respond? How would you like to respond in the future? Next, give yourself the gift of love. Choose kindness when you would usually be unkind to yourself. Choose hope when your first inclination is despair.
While there is no proverbial Santa for wellness gifts, we can each give ourselves that gift if we choose to do so. If you need support in figuring how to give that unique gift to yourself reach out for support. You deserve it.
Wishing you a joyous holiday season filled with wellness,
Chante’