Solving the “Situationship”

In honor of Women’s History Month, I wanted to write a post for the ladies. Now, this does not mean that men cannot possibly get something out of this either, but I wanted to hold space to discuss something that I have been thinking about and working with clients on. Deciding on just one topic was super difficult for me as women do, make, and hold so much-so, here is my attempt at taking on a small topic slice for us.

Personally, the last few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. Between traveling, surgery, and recovery, I’ve experienced a myriad of emotions and relational dynamics in tandem (again, we often hold so much). Fortunately, I have been able to pause and process these experiences, which has led me to writing about what I affectionately call, women situationships.

Now, when I say situationships, a few of you may be thinking about a social term that describes a relationship that may have physical intimacy without a defined level of commitment or accountability. That is not what I am describing here. Here, situationships are the relational dynamics that we may encounter during various experiences or situations. Similar to menstrual cycles, they happen at various intervals are heavily impacted by various factors, inclusive of environmental ones.  They can demonstrate relational patterns across our relational lifespan or may be more spontaneous. They can be positive or negative, and provide a level of impact, even if it is just a lesson. So, let’s take a look at the three situationships that I am processing and see if there are any threads of relativity that you can see within your own life:

Stage 1: Vacation. Traveling can be a time in which many women may thrive. Often, many of us may plan ahead and have our outfits prepared months in advance. With families, we may be the ones putting together itineraries and finding the best activity deals that everyone can enjoy. I have found that many women thrive in managing and preparing because many of us do this in our daily lives. From a social perspective, women are often expected to manage schedules both at home and work. We are often the ones preparing agendas, or we have another woman preparing it for us. We create the systems that keep people moving forward, but are rarely acknowledged for doing so. So, I go on this cruise solo with prepped agenda and am sharing a room with another therapist. Now, we had previously chatted before and seemed to get along well enough to room together. However, this therapist had a very different approach to vacationing. I signed up for excursions ahead of time, she decided to go with the flow and hire locals to show her around. I worked out every morning while she slept in. Was there anything wrong with us approaching our vacation differently? Not really. However, sometimes, especially when it is people that we know, we may subtlety push our own agenda, which can lead us to a potential situationship. This may appear as questioning a friend’s plans or telling someone what they should do instead. While we may have the best intentions and may be stating these things because we just want to spend more time with the ones that we love, sometimes we communicate in a way that may give “alpha girl” vibes, even if that was never our intent. This miscommunication develops a level of mistrust in the situation and may lead to the belief that we shouldn’t vacation with this person anymore, or, at a more intense level, that maybe the relationship is not good for us at all.

Stage 2: Surgery.  Surgery can be an extremely vulnerable process. You are essentially putting your life in medical professionals’ hands. You are asking family and friends to gingerly care for you while you are potentially incapacitated due to medication. If you are a career girlie, you are leaving your work responsibilities in the hands of individuals who may or may not fully understand the tasks. In this situation, there is an extreme level of trust being put into the hands of loved ones and even strangers. I’d like to say that this part was a breeze for me, but the truth of the matter is, I struggled. Like so many other women whom I counsel, I am used to carrying heavy loads on my own. Through research and my own process of vulnerable situations, I have learned that my hyper-independence is a trauma response for me. There was a time when someone who was responsible for my care did not show up and I taught myself that I would just have to find a way to do it myself. In relationships, I found that while I said I desired reciprocal, balanced relationships, I rarely required it as I came with the resources or found ways to get it on my own. These behaviors reinforce the justification of self-reliance. The problem with this is that it creates a false narrative and leads to self-isolation and a sense of underlying dissatisfaction in relationships.

Stage 3: Recovery. Both of these situations provide immense content for me to process and determine what lessons that I would take from them, and I was fortunate to be able to process. Processing is like detective work: we search for clues and hopefully solve the mystery (or solve another mystery that we previously did not detect).  Working with people, I have learned that most of us either lean on the lessons that we learn about ourselves, or what we learn about others. Rarely do we reflect on both. Recovery, should we take it from either a literal or figurative space, allows us to address potential narratives and choose which narrative empowers us in addressing a situationship. For example, with surgery, one could focus on who did not show up with the get well soon card, or one can instead focus on the ones who did. I am so grateful for the ones who showed up, and I am grateful to myself for accepting the challenge of embracing support and trust instead of leaning into that hyper-independence. Gratitude helps us learn how to trust more and also lets others know that their support is welcome here. Trusting my staff (with proper training beforehand), helps them build confidence in their own abilities, and gives me a sense of confidence that the mission is continuing even with me in timeout. Telling those who I am vacationing with that I’d like to spend more time with them shifts from a power struggle to a connection opportunity where we can both learn each other’s boundaries and where we may be able to negotiate activities so that the ultimate goal of enjoying time together is achieved.

The conclusion: we women are indeed phenomenal. We not only create life, but we also sustain living systems. We encourage others and we all have a unique way of nurturing people, places, and things. Our nurturing can be healing for others and ourselves, if we are open to nurturing in ways that validate our experiences and empower all of us to hold space for one another. Man or woman we all can create better relationships with ourselves and one another through this. Perhaps you are considering a situationship that you have been thinking or talking about a lot. If so, consider this: where is the vulnerability here? what am I telling myself about the situationship? How can I nurture myself and give/receive nurturing from the other party? what am I committed to trying next? How would I like to communicate these needs and/or desires? We do not have to be stuck in any situationship. Reflecting and doing the difficult thing can interrupt the cycle of trauma and create a fountain for healing and connection-case closed.