Love Cultivation
This year, I find myself in an interesting space. Instead of my usual “i wonder who is going to be my Valentine” mantra, I find myself wondering about how I define love, and why I define it that way. I am leaning into further developing my own sense of the word, because I have learned that relying on the opinion of others in the matter may not necessarily translate into my experience of it in my life.
If you have read any of my previous blog posts, checked out my videos, or engaged in sessions with me previously, you know that for me, perspective is everything. Perspective can change a barrier into an opportunity, an insurmountable mountain into manageable expectations, a deficit into an abundance. Perspective allows us to widen our view of the world, ourselves, and each other. So for me, looking at my perspective on love allows me to see it from a new angle, and thus experience it in a fresh way.
Still, there is no denying that our perspective on love is bound to be influenced from a myriad of sources. These sources can be anything and everything. From a broad perspective, we are told as a society what love is supposed to look like, from the rom-coms to the holiday cards-we are constantly sent implicit and explicit messages about love, what it is, and how it works. We also receive messages about love from our relationships. Family members teach us about how we express love and how we determine who is worthy of love. Friends give us strategies on the best ways to interact with others. All of these influence an internalized perception of love. Sometimes these messages help us to develop a healthy sense of love, other times it may make it difficult to see what love can truly be. Thus, it can be helpful to reflect on the messages that you have accepted about love, while also determining ways that you personally experience love, or exploring what love can look like.
Thinking about what love looks like reminds me of the “Love is” comic strip. While I could never understand why the characters were naked most of the time (maybe a nod to vulnerability?), it was clear that the cartoonist had a bunch of ideas on how she chose to experience love. In her case, these were actually love notes to her significant other, however, love does not need to only express itself in that context. To me, love can look like:
Having the courage to move towards something that truly matters to you
Having the strength to move away from something that harms you
Going the extra mile to understand your own, or someone else’s belief system
Respecting and honoring uniqueness, even when it may be difficult
Sitting with someone, or even yourself, in the dark moments
Acknowledging the beauty in being and progressing, even if the steps seem small
While this list is not exhaustive, each of these actions nourishes the love that exists simply within our own existence. Trying to define love is extremely challenging to me as it suggests that love is finite, when in all actuality love can be so expansive that it is impossible to fit it into a neat little box. Even if we were able to somehow find a way to make it fit, perhaps we would also be limiting our own experience of it due to the narrowing perspective. Over time, I have learned that love is not abuse or neglect. It also isn’t solely passion, even though love can be passionate at times. Love allows us to cultivate a safe space to fully be. Does that space sometimes feel uneasy, sure, but its foundation has the power to withstand challenges, if we choose to stand on it.
This Valentine’s day (and beyond), instead of solely focusing on who loves you, I hope that you fully feel your own foundation of love, because ultimately that love that so many of us desire to give and receive, is waiting to come from within us. If you exist, you have love, because you are love. You are a beautiful, unique complexity that adds another angle of love in this world. The more that we can appreciate our own seed of love within us, the more love we can cultivate within our relationships with ourselves and with others. Even if you feel that there is no love for you, search for that seed and find a way to nourish it so that you can further expand your experience of love. Remember, you are love, and can choose to be love to yourself and others every day.
Love,
Chante’