Bettin' Better
Writing this at 5am on the last day of the year seems most appropropriate. Like many, I find myself in a reflective state on the last day of the year. As a therapist, I am trying to do this in the most balanced way-a way that isn’t as critical, in a way that is more curious. Honestly, it is easier to speak such things than to actually do them in a world that is consistently performance-based. For the past couple of years, I have moved to a more progressive focus and have found that to be helpful, intensely focusing on what I didn’t do within the past year, instead, I could focus on each step that I took to get to smaller goals. Looking at things from a progressive perspective has made me believe that at any point in my life, I can take steps towards a larger goal. So, while this passage is an ode to the new year, it is a perspective that can be picked up at any part of the year.
As I was reflecting this week, I realized some uncomfortable truths about myself. Since I am practicing being compassionate, I was able to tolerate the discussion, but it really brought up an uncomfortable theme: while I have always worked hard to prove my value in relationships, work, etc, the pure process of the absolute belief that I needed to provide myself showed that I hadn’t truly believed that I was fully worthy. I was asking others to bet on me, when I first needed to bet on myself.
Betting on one’s self can look like a lot of things. It can be leaving that job (or asking for changes, such as a raise) that you feel the most undervalued within. It can be setting boundaries and letting go of relationships that consistently reinforce the undeserving narrative. It might be buying nutritional food because you know that your body needs it. For me, it is putting my “money where my mouth is”. It is committing to my healthcare practices and not skipping a session because “I feel fine”. It is paying particular attention to the emotional and spiritual aspects of myself that have been so severely neglected for years. It’s telling others in my life how I see myself, and showing them that I am more than a therapist, social worker, daughter, friend, etc-I am myself. Most of all, it is taking a risk and committing to taking that risk, even if that means that others may be unhappy with my decisions.
So, for 2022, my goal is to bet on me. Professionally, I am going to embrace more of my creative inspirations to help those that I work with live their best lives. I am going to create a step-by-step plan to address toxic work practices that I need to let go of and set timelines to complete that work. I am going to hold myself accountable to treating myself as compassionately as I tend to treat others, understanding that this may bring up some conflicting feelings, and learn to be okay with that. I am going to have faith that no matter what things can get better and I can rest sometimes, laugh, and just play, knowing that my Higher Power has my back.
For years, I have worked hard on learning about myself when I wasn’t well-when I was dealing with trauma and chaos. Now that I am in recovery from those experiences, I can move forward in taking some risks because I have built a healthier foundation. I have witnessed this with my clients who had the courage to engage in the process, and I know that we all can do this. If you want to learn more about yourself, I encourage you to work with healers who can help you explore those aspects of yourself that you may be well aware of, and those parts that may have not felt as safe to explore. Living each day not only gives us the opportunity to learn about others, but it also presents the opportunity to learn about ourselves. So, while I continue to strive to learn more about myself, I am now entering a new stage of self-exploration by doing those things that are new and slightly scary. I am looking forward to betting on me and I hope that you will find ways to bet on yourself too in 2022 (and beyond).