Overcoming the Inadequacy Monster
First off, let me start with yet another apology, I have been writing articles and submitting additional content on so many other platforms recently, that I had neglected my first love, my transparent blog. I find writing to be freeing in so many ways, but I most appreciate this space where I can be honest about my experiences and beliefs as a therapist, but above all, as a person. Thank you for being a part of my journey and I hope that there have been some helpful nuggets in these musings for you.
In the spirit of that vulnerability, I wanted to write about something that I have been pondering for a while now: the idea of exceptionalism. Recently, I was doing some research on this webinar that I was putting on about Imposter Syndrome. One tidbit of information that I discover is the fact that it is hypothesized that minorities experience this phenomenon at a far greater rate than their majority counterparts. As a black woman, this makes sense to me. I have attended institutions of higher learning where I was the only person of color in the class, being taught by an almost entirely white faculty. I have been in leadership meetings where there were very few people of color in executive positions or making the decisions that were impacting a minority population. I have also seen those people of color who are privileged enough to enter these rooms, and feel heard, mark themselves with pride for their accomplishment-they “made it”.
For the longest time, I wanted to be one of those persons of color who “made it”. The one that was going to change the world. The once whose voice was going to be respected and perhaps even sought after, in conversations involving the healing of communities that I belong to. Thus, I would do all that I could, learn as much as possible, take on those additional projects, grit my teeth in meetings where I was an attendee, but rarely the voice. I would try to align with people of color who were seen as smart, or the “exception” to the rule in hopes that one day I too would be seen in that light. Upon further contemplation, I discovered that I was really seeking that validation from others and because of that, I found myself being asked to compromise time and time again, to go against what I felt was right to play the political game.
Now, being a highly sensitive person, being inauthentic has never vibed with me. In fact, most people say that they most appreciate the fact that I am transparent and thus I am often able to gain the trust of others, particularly those that I serve. Still, that nagging thought is always to strive to be that “exception”.
A common question that I ask my clients is: what is this thought or behavior costing you? Because everything that we do comes at a cost. If I give energy to one project, I am going to have less energy for another project. So, now I ask myself: what cost am I willing to pay to be that “exception”? Is that a price that I am willing to pay, even if that means denying my inherent beliefs and thus sacrificing that freedom for some form of validation. If I am not willing to pay that price, then how do I reconcile that need to feel special?
Perhaps you resonate with a few things mentioned in this posting (if so, please let me know)! I think it is common to want to feel heard and to be seen. I think we also want to have these freedoms and a safe space within our work. It is normal to desire to feel valued, personally and professionally. While it is normal to want these things, perhaps we need to make sure that we are first honoring and valuing ourselves-treating ourselves as that exceptional person, because you are. Validating yourself and choosing to advocate for yourself is important and sometimes that freedom and validation can come from self-care. Engaging in self-care consistently is a great start to this work-we have videos posted here to help with some of those aspects, but consider ways that you can listen to yourself on a regular basis and make sure that you hear yourself. From there, decide where you want to be and who you may choose to be.
For more information on professional self-care, check out our videos on our Facebook page: www.facebook.com/fringefam.