Relationship Talk
In our world today, people are looking for authentic connection. While we have many ways to communicate with one another, it can still feel hard to feel heard. And sometimes, when we are finally heard, we feel like we have gone to a point of no return and may struggle to communicate. Sometimes I wonder why it is so difficult for us to understand each other-or to ensure we are understood. Thus, today I want to talk about relational self-care.
Relational self-care refers to the way we care for ourselves and each other when in relationship. It acknowledges that we are all different, we can also work together to develop healthy relationships with one another.
Recently, I went through the process of purchasing my first home. Initially, I was unaware of just how many people are involved in such a process. I had an entire team dedicated to completing the sale. I had an attorney advocating for me, a realtor showing me various options and guiding me through the process, and a lender keeping me abreast of how much everything was going to cost and ensuring the affordability of the property by checking what felt like my entire financial history. In a way, we all have our personal “team” throughout our lives which is why it is important to find the best way to navigate those relationships so that our wants and needs are heard and respected.
In order to engage in any form of self-care, we need to have some idea of what it means to care for ourselves. Often, we may have some vague idea of a relationship, but we may not truly know what type of relationship we really desire. I often reflect on this personally and with clients. By asking questions such as, “What type of friendship would you like? What might your ideal relationship look like?” While this may seem like an easy task, it can be hard to give yourself the freedom to imagine that. Thus, we need to give ourselves permission to imagine. Do you want a relationship where you can speak freely without feeling judged? How about a relationship with parents who allow you to be your own person? Write these things down. IF you are looking to change a current relationship consider conducting a relationship inventory. Include what you like about the person and what ticks you off as well. This doesn’t mean that you are dropping the friendship, this is just an opportunity to determine what you might like to work on changing to improve the relationship.
The next step is to gather some information about yourself. This is the time to examine your attachment style, communication style, and boundaries. Think of this as the lender reviewing all of your financial history. How do you typically relate to others? How do you handle conflict? What triggers you insecurities in relationships? What are your familial relationships like? Some people fear intimacy or rejection and thus may avoid the things that they ultimately desire. Sometimes we get in our own way of getting the relationship we want. Be honest with yourself-do you find that you are dependent on your relationship with others and can not stand being alone? Conversely do you find yourself not engaging in social relationships? If you are having trouble seeing this, ask your close friends or family members if they have noticed any behavioral patterns in the relationship.
Once you realize what you need from various relationships, you can then begin to negotiate and navigate the communication of your needs and desires. Be honest and set a time that works for the both of you to be emotionally vulnerable. Discuss what is working well and what areas may be difficult. Remember, just as you are a part of their team, they are also a part of yours. We can all help each other grow and reach our goals and there are numerous opportunities to engage in improving those relationships. Be open to feedback and determine what boundaries may need to be in place.Whether it is a business partner, colleague, attorney, friend, or family member, sometimes we may need to let them know what works for us and what does not, and that is okay. We all have different preferences in relationships and a healthy relationship fosters a safe space to verbalize and honor those needs. After you have negotiated, hold each other accountable.
We all need connection and relationship in our lives. Whether you have many friends, or are learning ways to connect with others, we are all on this journey of life and can have allies along the way-with courage, we can all achieve those relational goals if we are willing to invest and engage in that relational self-care. If you are unsure of where to start, there are numerous professionals that can help you navigate your relational goals.
Wishing you and your team the best on your wellness journey,
Chante’