Word to Your Mother
By: Chante’ Gamby, LCSW
On this holiday I wanted to do something a bit different and pay homage to those who are mothers, or “mother figures” to us. Today, just like any holiday (or day for that matter) can be a day of joy, a day of pain, or something in between. As this day can mean so many different things to different people, I wanted to just give a couple of nuggets to help ease the pain, amplify the joy, or provide sources of reflection.
For those whose mom is too much”-
Some people may see you as the luckiest of the bunch. You have someone who you can rely on and be nurtured by. You may roll your eyes when you friends tell you how lucky you are because she might be overwhelming for y0ou. Sure, you know that she means well, however, she can become overinvolved with your life where you might feel smothered instead of nurtured at times. “Mama Bear” can be a lot to take at times, which may lead us to unconsciously taking for granted the good of the relationship. When you are feeling that your mom is “too much”, try to recall all of those things that you like about her. Remind yourself that she probably means well. If the behavior is bothering you start by taking a moment to inform her of what you appreciate about her. Then, talk about what is most bothering you. Be as specific as possible so that your mother will have an example to go to when she starts to re-engage in the behavior. If it is still difficult, consider having a conversation with someone who could serve as an unbiased party so that the both of you can find a way to communicate concerns to each other as needed.
For those whose mom is “not enough”-
In my practice, I have seen a lot of clients who wished their mother was someone else. In cases of abuse or neglect, it can feel impossible to understand how a mother could perpetuate, or allow heinous acts to happen. It can be increasingly difficult to accept that your mother could not be the mother who nurtured you and kept you safe. To those who find this day to be more of an obligation, I encourage you to mother yourself today and everyday. We all need nurturing. Harboring that anger towards your mother can increase those feelings of neglect and abuse. While you may have been neglected and abused, you don’t have stay that way. Now is the time to nurture yourself. Be the mom to yourself that you wished you had. Check in with yourself. Acknowledge the pain. Give yourself the attention you deserve. Find additional supports and allow yourself to heal. While this process can be long and difficult, you can find peace with the past.
For the “invisible moms”
Alright, I may have to define this one-invisible moms are those who do not have biological or adopted children, but are still nurturing and a “mother” to loved ones. You may work in the non-profit sector with vulnerable populations. You may be the auntie who is always there for your nieces and nephews. Or, you might be the friend that checks in with friends. To you, I say, “thank you”. You don’t have to birth a child to have the qualities of a mother, despite popular belief. You help us and we need you. Perhaps some of you may want a family and have not seen that come to realization. Know that family is what you make of it. When you feel “less than” because you don’t have kids by a certain age, remind yourself that you are more than any role. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are-and appreciate yourself. You matter.
To all “moms”
Choosing to be a mother is honorable and profoundly challenging. Sometimes it can be hard to know which way is the “right” way and we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Nonetheless, stand in your truth. We are human. We are flawed. Yet, we are amazing. We can learn and grow. Give yourself a break now and then. You are better for all of us-and your self-when you take the time to set yourself as a priority and let go of some of that pressure. Happy Mother’s Day, today, and everyday.