Gifting Love
I don’t know if it is because of the holidays or spending time with my niece, but lately games have been on my mind. Finding the perfect toy for my nieces and nephews or picking the perfect game for gatherings with family or friends is one of the little joys that I tend to indulge in this time of the year. I think I mostly enjoy it because I learn so much more about loved ones through it. Friends that I have known for years are seen in a different light. I learn how they might approach circumstances in a fun environment, secretly hoping that I win.However, some games just aren’t fun-in fact, they can be toxic. These games have an interesting way of popping up particularly during the holiday season. These are games of emotions that all of us engage in at some point. While the opportunities to join these games may be ample, we can choose another way to enjoy the holidays, and keep our sanity.
Keeping your sanity often involves being able to know and label those games so you can decide whether or not you want to engage, whether than feeling dupped into playing. These games can have many names, but most of them have common traits. For example, most of these emotional games involve manipulation. Maybe your mother guilt trips you for choosing to not host the holiday gathering or spend time with that sibling that gives you the most distress. It could be the significant other who refuses to spend time with you unless you attend their company party as their plus one. It could be that friend that gives you the silent treatment if they feel that they have given you a better gift than you gave them. Each of these examples involves a give and take, which we can experience in daily life, but perhaps feel a greater impact when it is a family member of close friend engaging in the behavior. If love is being withheld because the other party wants you to do something, it is an emotional game which is unhealthy and toxic. When you recognize these patterns of behaviors in others, it can be empowering as you can recognize the patterns and potentially avoid them in the future. If you are sure that your friend may want you to get a gift for them and you just aren’t feeling it, you can acknowledge what is happening and perhaps choose to give that friend a gift card or avoid the gift exchange altogether. You can change the subject if you feel that your mother is trying to make you feel guilty based on your choices or you can tell her that you have already made other plans. Acknowledgement gives you the power to be in control of your choices.
While acknowledgement can be powerful, there are still other things that you can do to further avoid those emotional games. One thing that I often recommend for clients (and have used for myself) is to create your own traditions. Just because your family has done the same thing every year since childhood doesn’t mean you have to continue those traditions in adulthood. Sometimes we can re-traumatize ourselves by being around individuals who may have hurt us in the past and thus we are fine until we are triggered by the person or the environment. It is great to continue those rituals if you enjoy them, however, it is not self-honoring to continue to put yourselves in upsetting situations based on habit. Choose to start a friendsgiving if your family can be too difficult to bear. Even just having a chill day with friends after a stressful holiday can be useful.
Finally, if the holidays are difficult for you due to the passing of a loved one, make sure that you create a space for you to feel whatever you may be feeling in that moment. Pay attention to your feelings and ask yourself, what do I need right now? Be a gift to yourself by giving that unconditional love.