Lovin' Me: An Argument for Self-Love
What is love? How do we experience love in our daily lives?
For some,’ the month of February can bring to mind the romantic aspects of love: chocolate, flowers, gifts from loved ones fill the month. It can be a time of excitement. For others, it can be a time of indifference. Some may try to analyze why they may not have that special someone while others may wonder how they can prove their love to someone else. Wherever you find yourself this month, I would like to discuss an aspect that we can all benefit from: the capacity to love ourselves.
Self-love is often a concept that is underrated. The idea that we should do things for ourselves can feel selfish to those of us who are used to showin love to others exclusively. Some suggest that loving oneself can be also attributed to vanity. It can seem like a waste of time in a world that encourages us to give everything to a job, a family, etc. With all of that pressure to prove our worthiness to everything except ourselves, it is no wonder that sometimes we might not feel good enough. Often, when we continually seek the approval and love of others, we may find ourselves unsatisfied when the ways that we like to be loved are not honored. This can often lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and decreased self-worth, which impacts our relationships with others, as well as our relationships with ourselves.
How do we show some love to ourselves? In order to love ourselves, we must first determine what love looks like for ourselves. For some, it is time spent, for others it may be lavish gifts. We all have our “love language” that when spoken, makes us feel loved. Books like “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman can be useful for exploring that aspect of ourselves, whether we are single or have a significant other. If you are more of an experiential learner, going to workshops or trying new activities can help you assess what makes you feel good.
Self-love is not just “doing” though. Self-love is also about accepting yourself for who you are right now. It is not about waiting until you change in some way. It is the ability to honestly say that you love yourself, regardless of what you do or how you may change. It also means that you deserve love because you exist and do not have to “earn” it. The validation that we may seek from others can be obtained from ourselves once we engage in this.
As you engage in self-love, you may notice changes in your relationships. Some relationships may embrace this change, while others may desire you to remain the same for their benefit. As you learn to love yourself, you may find that you may not feel the need to work so hard for the approval of others, which may mean saying no to things that others may want you to say yes to. While this might be a challenge for relationships, loving yourself can create a spcare for relationships in which you can be free to love yourself and love others.
In life, we can choose to be either a coach for ourselves, encouraging and motivating ourselves to work hard and take breaks when we need it, or we can be a critic, making ourselves feel like nothing is good enough. Loving yourself is a way to choose the coach model over the critic. Sometimes, it can be difficult to differentiate between the two,which is why it is also important to notice how you “talk” to yourself. When a thought enters your mind, ask yourself, “is this something that I would say to a friend?”. If you think that you would not as it would be unkind, discard it instead of internalizing it. The more that we can practice positive self-messages, the more that we can naturally become that coach for ourselves and the more we can help others coach themselves as well.
My hope that everyday will present an opportunity for you to love yourself that you choose to take. The more that we can love ourselves, the greater opportunity we have to love each other and spread the love in a world that so desperately needs it. If you need additional support in loving yourself, reach out to friends or family that may be able to give you some feedback on what they might observe. A therapist can also help you identify those negative thought patterns, and encourage you to engage in self-care techniques. Most of all pay attention to yourself, invest in those things that make you smile and practice replacing those those thoughts that drain your energy and spirit with those that help you feel loved and valued.
If you are in the Chicagoland area and would like some more information on self-love tools and tips, check out our workshop on February 18th, 2018! More information can be found here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/lovin-me-a-workshop-on-love-and-self-care-tickets-55429568331