The Problem with Perfection
“I just want to be a good person.”
How many times have you heard that? How many times have you said it yourself?
Personally, I have a problem with it.
Before you decide that I am a terrible person with no moral backing, hear me out. I think it is important to have positive thoughts and to be kind to others. My issue with being a good person is that I fear that it is impossible to attain.
From a religious standpoint (I am Christian), sometimes one can be told that we are all sinful and therefore cannot be completely good. If I am to believe that I can be a good person, then perhaps I may ignore my flaws and only focus on those good deeds that make me a good person. However, if I never work on my flaws, I am not sure that I am truly good to anyone, even myself. Without some acknowledgement of the flaws, I cannot begin to grow.
As a mental health clinician, I cringe when I hear the phrase, “I just want to be good enough”. It could be I just want to be good enough for him/her, or the job, or whatever other aspiration someone has. I cringe as I hear that because such statements suggest that either A) I currently feel like I am not good enough and/or B) I learned that I was not good enough in the past. When we don’t feel good enough, we sabotage ourselves. We cause additional suffering under false pretenses. When we don’t know the truth,such as knowing that I am good enough, even though I am not perfect, we cause ourselves additional suffering.
One show that partially inspired this post is “The Good Place”. As some of you may know the show is all about people who thought they had achieved enough good deeds to be identified as a good person. The twist (SPOILER ALERT here) is that even in this seemingly good place, they caused themselves additional suffering by A) torturing each other by focusing on them not being good enough and B) torturing themselves by constantly reminding themselves of their shortcomings. I love the show “The Good Place” as it shows that even those individuals who appear to be “good” by societal standards, have flaws. And, coincidentally, the recognition of those flaws actually empower the characters to work on those errors and also develop a deeper connection with each other through their vulnerabilities.
Being a good person (or saying that you want to be a good person), create a dichotomy among us as well. I can then say that I only associate with other good people, not recognizing that we all have the potential for good. The people who seem to be the most happy in life are the ones who realize that they can never be the perfectly good person. Similarly, the ones that can grow to be comfortable admitting this to themselves and others, find that they are generally overall more happy and satisfied with their lives. I realize that this is easier said than done, but perhaps one step is finding a flaw about yourself (perhaps not the biggest one that causes you the most anxiety), but finding a flaw and being honest with yourself and someone that you trust about it. See how it feels to acknowledge it without trying to hide it or shaming yourself.In regards to being good to others, let’s focus on being kind to one another because it feels good to us and others. Let’s determine that we are flawed, and that’s alright, because we are striving for progress, not perfection. Let’s have difficult conversations with people that we initially considered to be bad. Let’s strive be the best version of ourselves with imperfections.