Dealing with Denial

Hey everyone,

Hope you all are doing well in this...sigh, unprecedented time. While this time may have many of us contemplating our relationship dynamics and dealing with the stress of being too far away (or too close) to loved ones for too long, one relationship that has changed for many as well as their relationship with food. 

I must admit that I never thought I would be writing a blog post about my own relationship with food. Most of the time I thought I had an average relationship with food. Obesity ran in my family, so I was always told from a young age to watch what I ate. I didn’t starve myself or overeat and regurgitate the food, or at least, I wasn’t aware of it.

Ah, that awareness aspect rears its head again. While I have a huge belief in the truth setting us free, I also know that denial can be a far less painful experience in the short term. Someone likened this to lancing a boil (cue: Dr. Pimple Popper...warning this next segment may be a bit gross). Denial is the tissue that covers the injured area. The injury is real and often we are aware that something may be off, particularly if you are a sensitive person. However, it may be inconvenient to go to the doctor to get it addressed, so you let time past, and all the while the boil grows until it is no longer able to be ignored. 

I often tell my clients that addressing the actual issue is going to not feel so great initially. We have to look at the mess that may have been allowed to fester over the years. For me, it was my calorie counting, not even realizing that I was literally causing my body to hold on to the very weight that I was trying to lose to sustain itself. The unkindness that I had demonstrated to my body over the years did not seem like an issue. I would say to myself, I have plenty of muscle and fat, I am not starving myself, in fact, I could probably stand to eat less. 

That is an example of what denial does to us. It attaches to our unhealthy beliefs and can be reinforced by others. Because my family members had an unchecked, unhealthy relationship with food, I fell into the same behavioral pattern, until I gave into that tiny voice that said, “something is not right here”.

It wasn’t until I started working with a nutritionist that I realized that an unhealthy relationship with food was actually a reflection of my unhealthy relationship with myself. I did not realize how much pressure I was putting on my body to be a certain way when I wasn’t even fueling it properly. 

Today, I am eating better and checking in with my nutritionist regularly to ensure that I am celebrating the strides that I am taking to be healthy, instead of solely focusing on my missteps. When I slip, I know now that it is imperative that I pay attention to what I say to myself. I even had to apologize to my body to acknowledge that while I was using generational information, I was still not honoring my body in the way that it deserved. 

I say all of that to say how important it is for us to move beyond denial and shame in order to heal. For the longest time, I was ashamed of my body. I felt like I weighed too much and would sabotage my healthy eating attempts so frequently that my body just decided to continue to pack on that weight. It wasn’t until I acknowledged that things were not right, even though I didn’t know exactly what it was, that I began to heal.

If denial is harming your relationship with yourself, or with others, I encourage you to give that injured area the attention that you know that it needs. Denial and shame will only allow it to fester. Don’t allow a lack of knowledge or familial behavioral norms to feed that denial. Instead, seek support from professionals who are trained to pay attention to those pains and can help support you through that process. You deserve love, attention, and healing.